halloween.

Halloween

there's a hundred and one secrets that I keep tangled inside me; things like 102607 one of the best days of my life... the way I was held, the way we argued- the reason why I don't live with my father, biological father, or mom- see no one knows me inside and out, not even my own brother. and as unfortunate as it is the only person who does know me entirely is only because I seem to be the identical generation-x version of her. this is NOT on purpose. secrets always come to light, I suppose but I don't think im ready for that. so until then, I'm sweeping up these skeletons that attempted to topple out when I opened my closet door- and shoving them back where they were dislodged from. I want to spare myself life-ache in the end.

"now it's hardly simple, it's jst simply hard... I find myself not being myself to avoid all the confrontation." -so simple; alicia keys.

who am I?

8am.

in the car, driving back to birmingham, alabama from montgomery. montgomery looks like catskill, ny. it was okay for the most part, excluding the account mentioned in my previous blog. listening to this track that I hear over and over in practice because it's playing in my scene (for the fashion show).

let's NOT talk about the fashion right now tho. that'll jst fck up my mood. the sun is hitting the car in an angle that allows it to hit my cheek and warm it up on this extremely cold day. it feels great. doing 90 on whatever highway this is, watching the trees and exit signs whizz by gives me this feeling... it allows me to pretend I'm home if only for a moment.. driving from white plains to danbury.. or white plains to new rochelle.. I just want to go home.

this weekend I smoked and the amount of things I've done that are all in all productive add up to 0. and I like it like that. not quite a "vacation" but a "getaway" none the less.

now I'm on my return to Miles.. wait, lemme not capitalize- miles college, a school smack dab in the middle of the hood. no one wants to walk off campus after 930 pm unless it's from Pearson Hall to their dorm or to "the square", an area on the yard with benches in the shape of a square. students- and even non-students- like to sit out there all hours of the night joking on eachother, other people, smoking, anything. it all goes down "in the square". the square lost it's luster after the second week of school. I walk past it, waving at the kids that sit there all day. I have better things to do.

the education and all around living situation of the school isn't worth the cost. there's no internet in the dorm rooms. bass hall has internet but it's very slow and goes out constantly. the learning resource center has internet as well, but it's even slower, taking years just to get to google. there are very few computer's available in the LRC, and the fact that you have to take your hat off takes away whatever desire you have to go in there anyway. which isn't much to begin with.

the classes are sloooow. so slow that I can fall asleep and miss nothing. I can NOT go and miss nothing. so I don't go. and pass. I'm on my way to transferring outta here. promise.

montgomery.

riding through montgomery, alabama texting exes & wishin I was sexin, aooow. just playing. I feel like this was a terrible weekend to come down here. there was too much going on, my homegirl was doing too much.

it began with me chillin in bass (a residence hall in the beautiful campus of miles college [sarcasm] residing smack dab in the middle of some projects in fairfield, alabama) with my homegirl who came down here frm not-to-far-from-me, new york. she told me a friend of mine frm campus was tryna get ahold of me. she passed me her phone and told me to say hello.
"hello?"
"you're going home with me this wknd, bitch. go pack. you got fifteen minutes."
so I go back to the room and pack my shit. now she TOLD me to come with her to her house in montgomery. so I go.

we go to her uncle's house, meet up with her "bae", smoke, and then leave. we chill for a while, meet up with another friend, smoke, chill. & then she tells me she's gonnor stay with "Klint?"
well, I don't fckin know "Klint", so of course I'm gonna go with her. Bad fucking idea.

I'm sittin in this bitch's living room while my homie and her are fckin in the back. the movie they got me watching starts skipping and playing the same part over and over and over. I can't stop it, pause it, reverse it, fast forward it, nothing. so I start punching it. frustrated, I text my homegirl to "come fix this fckin tv." her bitch skitters out still pulling her shirt over her head and asks me what I wanna watch. I swore I told her "transformers 2" but end up watching "transporter 3". deaf scallywag.

the movie doesn't have enough fighting scenes. every dialogue is drowned out with loud moans from the back. my phone is dying and the charger doesn't work so I'm frustrated. I've been sitting on this couch for two fckin hours. bitch better come on.

when my homie comes out the room, I wanna kick her ass.

the next night.
we smoke. but I'm starting to feel more and more like this was the most wrong wknd to come EVER. we're informed of a smoking party where you bring an L & it's matched up. sounds heavenly to me. I'm planning on going back on my non-smoking mission when I return to campus; this is a "vacation". however, none of us have money, so the party is out. and walah, my homie has to go get cuddy again. (if I sound jealous, it could be because I am a tiny tiny teeny bit. believe me, after seeing the bitch, I am NOT that jealous.) she doesn't kno what to do with me again, so she has her "bae" babysit me. me & him end up going to the smoke party which is an all gay male event. they dance, I watch (I'm the most masculine person in the room) and we leave. no bud.
we drive around a little to kill time & then go back to get my homegirl. I told her to sanitize her fckin hands before she touches me. no dap, nigga.

day three, I'm awakened by my homegirl's

I'm evil as fck in the morning. we get dressed, go to church, etc. not too bad. then she's informed of some sort of "family" meeting. guess what... not family? can't go. once again.. I need to be babysat. wonder what they're gonna do with me tonite!

I don't mean to sound like I'm immature, bitchy, whiney, whatever. I'm aware I'm jst straight up complaining. but fck it. I don't care about your opinion to be quite frank. lol. seriously. avoi...

btw; remind you tell you abt miles. LORD do I have to tell you about this school.